Do y’all remember old-fashioned drugstores? I’m not talking about those scaled down department stores like CVC and Walgreen’s and their ilk that we see today. No, I’m talking about real, honest-to-goodness drugstores. Drug stores where the druggist with his mortars, pestles and a bit of magic, compounded many remedies and didn’t simply count and dispense pills from one bottle to another. Druggists who could swab a sore throat with a tincture of Merthiolate or some other foul tasting medicine, who could remove splinters and mix up all kinds of things to cure self-diagnosed or perceived illnesses for folks who thought a consultation from the doctor was unnecessary or too expensive.
Those were drugstores, apothecaries that offered little besides medicine, medical supplies and a few other necessities. Oh, and of course the soda fountain, which dispensed sodas, malts, and shakes. There are very few, if any of those stores left any more.
Back when I was growing up we had not one, but two old-fashioned drugstores less than a block apart on Main Street in Humble; Tooke’s and the Humble Pharmacy. The Humble Pharmacy (known simply as “The Pharmacy”) was on the lower floor of the Masonic Hall, across from the courthouse between Avenue A and Avenue B, while Tooke’s was on the Southeast corner of Main and Avenue B. Both were just around the corner from Dr. Panzerella’s clinic on Avenue B, and a short walk from Dr. McKay’s clinic on Avenue C, making it convenient for folks to pick up their medications after visiting the doctor.
The interior layouts of the stores were quite similar. The druggist’s domain was back in the rear of the store. Each had a soda fountain counter with stools running down one side of the store and The Pharmacy had 4 or 5 booths in a row directly behind the stools. The rest of both interiors were taken up with shelves and cases of patent medicines, braces, personal hygiene items and other medical needs along with a few small gift items around the rest of the store, and both stores had a newspaper-magazine-paperback section in a front corner. There, with one exception, the similarities ended.
Tooke’s interior was exactly what one would picture a drugstore looking like in the 1920s and 30s. The interior was somewhat gloomy, lit primarily by green-shaded lights hanging from very high ceilings of stamped metal. The oiled wood floors and a marble-topped soda fountain faced by a row of swiveling wood stools completed the early 1900s look. Tooke’s only nod to “modernity” was fluorescent lights in the druggist area and an electric coffee maker.
The Pharmacy was just the opposite, high tech all the way with dropped ceilings and fluorescent lighting giving a modern, clean appearance to the vinyl tile floors and the color coordinated lime green Formica countertop with lime green vinyl covered stools, which was repeated on seats and tabletops of the booths.
The one other thing shared by both drugstores was that “drugstore smell”. The smell was kind of bittersweet, clean, medicinal, vanilla, chlorine that was neither pleasant nor unpleasant, it smelled like…. a drugstore. It’s been something like 40 years since I last smelled that scent and will probably never smell it again, but if I ever do I’ll recognize it.
Old fashioned or modern didn’t seem to have much bearing on which drugstore got the patronage, folks didn’t seem to care one way or the other and many medicine cabinets had prescriptions from both on their shelves. It’s just conjecture on my part, but I think the doctors determined which store filled their prescription, choosing the older more experienced Tooke brothers to compound old-fashioned remedies and the younger druggist at The Pharmacy to dispense the new wonder drugs that were just coming out---but, as I said, that’s just personal conjecture.
The singular feature at both drugstores that endeared them to my peer group and me during our pre-teen and teenage years was the soda fountain. Early on, the soda fountain was usually good for an ice cream cone after a visit to the doctor if you were a big boy and didn’t cry. Later as we grew to be “big” kids in the 5th and 6th grades, the soda fountain at The Pharmacy was the place to go after the Saturday matinee at the picture show, still holding hands with your girlfriend if you were tough enough to field the taunts from your friends.
My usual post-matinee order was a tall cherry coke with two straws---yes, we really did the one drink, two straw thing back then, and with a short coke with no ice refill, could sit for at least an hour sipping, talking, and holding hands while looking into each other’s eyes. I don’t recall any of the conversations that passed, but I still remember some very deep, soulful eye gazing. Thinking back, I honestly can’t recall who the particular girls were, but they could’ve been one of many since at that time we had new girlfriends and boyfriends about every three days.
A “tall” coke was about 16 oz. and cost 10 cents, while a “short” coke was about half that big for a nickel. The drinks were mixed at the soda fountain with squirts of syrup and carbonated water and served over cracked ice. The popular flavors in my day were regular coke, cherry coke, cherry phosphate, vanilla phosphate and hand-squeezed lemonade and limeade. Probably the most popular drinks with the teen and pre-teen crowd were the extra thick milkshakes for a quarter and malts for 30 cents. The fountain always made potions that would fill a tall glass with enough left in the mixing cup to fill it again when your glass got to the halfway mark.
The soda fountains were also prime gathering spots on Saturday mornings as everyone gathered to discuss the previous night’s football or basketball game over cokes or coffee and the players managed to find an excuse to drop in to bask in their accolades.
Just as today, back then a large portion of the drug store’s business was in over-the-counter or patent medicines. Every household kept a supply of castor oil, boric acid solution, the ever present, milk of magnesia, plus Carter’s Little Liver Pills, Doan’s Pills, Hadacol and no telling how many other remedies and potions that back then did just as little as the cure-alls do today.
Back then personal hygiene items were kept on shelves and in drawers behind the counter so as not to “offend”. This led to several incidents of embarrassment when I had to pick up sanitary napkins for my sisters; which meant asking the female clerk for them, but I managed to weather those storms.
However, my most embarrassing experience involving purchasing a personal hygiene item came the first time I bought condoms.
I was 17 or 18 at the time and had a hot and heavy romance going with a girl from another town. We managed to see each other about every other weekend when she visited relatives in Humble, but the majority of our romance was by mail.
The great adventure started one Wednesday afternoon when I got a letter from her which said in essence that since we got to see each other so seldom, she might be willing to go a little farther in our romance the following weekend, if I got some protection. ---Hooey, can you imagine what a hormone rush that started?
Not being very experienced in the care and feeding of “protections”, I sought the advice of some of my older friends. They counseled that the best thing to do was to purchase something called “lambskins” which were available only at the drugstore, and that the packages sold in vending machines at the filling station were of inferior quality. They also told me to be sure to ask for “condoms” or “prophylactics” because if I used the generic street term of “rubbers”, I’d probably get the inferior ones.
Well, that afternoon after football practice, I marched right into the drugstore and back to the druggist’s area in the rear. Miss McKinney came up and inquired, “could she help me?”
“Hmmm, is Mr. Tooke in?”
“No, he had to step out briefly, but should return in about 15 minutes, is there something I could help you with?”
Mmmm, no m’am, I think I’ll wait to Mr. Tooke gets back.”
“I can probably help you, what was it you wanted?”
Mmmm, I forget, yes m’am, I completely can’t remember what I wanted, maybe I’ll come back when I remember. See you later.”
I went out and got in my car and drove around for about 30 minutes to make sure Mr. Tooke would be back. I knew I couldn’t go to the Pharmacy because the druggist’s wife was always behind the counter.
I went back and parked in front of Tooke’s, went in and again asked for Mr. Tooke, telling Miss McKinney that I had remembered what it was I needed.
Mr. Tooke came out and asked what I wanted and damned if I could remember what to ask for. I hemmed and hawed and could not for the life of me think of the proper word.
Finally, I told Mr. Tooke that I needed some of those things for protection when you “did it.”
“Oh rubbers, why didn’t you just tell Miss McKinney you needed some rubbers?” he said very loudly.
I wished I could find some little bitty hole to crawl in since every eye in the place was now in my direction.
He handed me the package and told me to pay Miss McKinney on my way out.
I carried the package and my bright red face to the cash register as fast as I could walk, paid the bill and practically ran to my car.
The whole adventure was for naught because the “hot romance” didn’t show up that weekend and by the time she did, she had found a new object for her attentions!
Yes, I have these plus many other memories of those old drug stores…somehow CVC, Walgreen’s and all those other chain pharmacies and big box stores just don’t measure up.
I’ve managed to gather up some more of my “Pearls of Profound Wisdom”. If we keep going at this rate, with me posting them and y’all reading and passing them on to your important and influential friends, neighbors and relatives, before you know it we’ll reach 1000, get tired of doing this, or some big shot editor or publisher will find them and I’ll have my retirement sack at least half full. Then again, I might wind up in jail for impersonating a writer. Anyway, thank y’all for your help and keep sending me those e-mails telling me whether you like them or not. On second thought, just send the e-mails if you like them, we famous writers have very delicate psyches.
121. When you’re the instructor for a beginning driver, no matter how hard you stomp the floorboard, the likelihood of the car stopping or even slowing down is miniscule until said beginner either removes their foot from the gas or applies the brake.
122. It’s good to remember when handling puppies that they are like human babies and when they get warm and snuggly they will pee on you. And male puppies are like male human babies, so beware the unexpected shower.
123. It’s not a good idea to primp in the rearview mirror while driving. The same goes for applying makeup, shaving, popping zits or anything else that distracts you from driving. Nobody is gonna give a shit how you look while you’re waiting for an ambulance after the accident.
124. Men, make it a policy not to iron clothes. The laundry does a much better job and you’re much less likely to hurt yourself.
125. Women, if you must iron, don’t iron clothes while wearing just a bra and panties. Burns leave scars and brands are harder to get rid of than tattoos.
126. One reason I don’t like chick flicks is the ending. You know where they finally end up together and run to meet each other for that final kiss and embrace---hell, I’d get my feet tangled and fall on my clumsy ass before I ever got to her.
127. What makes assholes assholes is their totally unfounded belief that they’re the center of the universe coupled with the realization that they’re only playing a miniscule part.
128. I don’t care how politically incorrect it may be, it’s still Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Not Seven Gnomes or Forest Workers or any of that BS. It’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
129. If you’re going to get in a fight, try not to fight with ugly people. They really don’t care if they get scarred up or not. ---At least I never did.
130. Remember, there are no laws against stupidity; everyone has the right to be stupid. Of course there are some that abuse the privilege.
131. Be alert when in touchy situations. Always remember that when the shit hits the fan it is never evenly distributed.
132. You might cure a headache by cutting a lime in half and rubbing your forehead and temples with it. A better solution might be to cut two limes in half and squeeze them into about 6 oz. of tequila add a little ice and drink it. It may not cure your headache, but likely you won’t really give a damn.
133. I’m always seeing tips in recipes which call for wine that say if there is any leftover you should freeze it for use in future sauces, stews and casseroles. Leftover wine? Obviously those folks don’t cook like I do.
134. If you plan on losing weight, do it when you’re young. If you wait until you’re as old as I am, your fat and the rest of your body have gotten to be really good friends.
135. For those of you who still think there’s good in everybody, hang around awhile because you just ain’t met ol’ everybody.
136. If you’re one of those people who can smile when things are going completely wrong, either you don’t understand the situation, you’re stupid or you already have someone in mind to blame it on.
137. It’s not a good idea to pay too much attention to those health articles in newspapers and magazines; you could die from a typo.
138. When you’re young it’s mighty hard to avoid temptation, but as you get older you don’t have to worry, temptation starts avoiding you.
139. After many years of trying to lose weight, I’ve come up with a fool proof method---If it tastes good, spit it out.
140. You’ve always heard that love is blind; well it is true especially at last call at the beer joint. Ten o’clock twos turn into two o’clock tens.
141. I don’t know why some women spend so much time and money worrying about their eyebrows. Here’s what men see with eyebrows: You’ve got two of them? --- Okay.
142. You might want to think about it before shaking hands upon being introduced to a proctologist. Do you have any idea what those hands do all day?
143. If you’re a new parent and someone inquires as to your child’s age, a simple year answer will suffice. Nobody really cares if the little darling is 25 months or 26 months, a simple 2 years old is fine. How would it sound if I told you I am 786 months old?
144. If you don’t read Chinese you might want to be careful what kind of decorations you have tattooed on your body. I saw on the Internet where a girl in California had a butterfly and some Chinese writing tattooed on her lower back. The Chinese writing said Beef Subgum and Pressed Duck.
145. Try every day to find something to be thankful for. Right now I’m sitting here being thankful that wrinkles and scars don’t hurt.
· The other morning I was watching Fox News coverage while Hurricane Wilma was blowing into Florida. There was this stupid reporter doing what has now become the “in” thing, reporting while standing knee deep in the water, out in the brunt of the hurricane. The reporters ensconced safely back in the studio asked him if he thought they would get the storm surge predicted for the exact place where he was standing. He had been warned earlier to have a boat standing by to make his escape. The reporter replied that no he didn’t have the boat and since the water was only knee deep, he didn’t think he’d get the storm surge. The stupid SOB didn’t realize that he wouldn’t know he was in a storm surge until he was ass deep in good ol’ Gulf of Mexico saltwater at whatever intersection he was standing. I think this was the same reporter who was earlier standing in the eye of the storm saying he thought the worst was over since the wind was down to about nothing. I don’t think he’ll get his big break out of this one. He might know riots and fires and Iran and France, but he sure as hell doesn’t know hurricanes.
· The Council On Misguided Thoughts after meeting for about 30 seconds has decreed: seeing as I had a plethora of somewhat useless information in the Pearls of Wisdom section and the above story was mediocre at best, that I should take a Time Out for now and think about the foul havoc I’ve wreaked. Those of you who feel you are harmed by this decision may voice your complaints in the complaints section where the hell ever that is. Rest assured that no small animals were intentionally harmed in making this decision and if some were inadvertently, we’ll supply directions for dressing them and delicious recipes to make them suitable table fare, if you send an e-mail identifying said animal.
To maintain the highest standards I am capable of or happen to feel like on any given day, to publish only information that is based on as much fact as I can find or make up, and most of all to have fun without offending most of my readers
Well the time has come to put a-30- on yet another attempt at mediocrity. As usual, I appreciate y’all wandering through this part of life with me. We might not always get to where we need to be, but we’ll have a fun ride trying. Be sure you keep doing your duty by forwarding this to all your friends, family, enemies and other influential people you know---even if they don’t read it they can always print it to use for a bad example at show and tell or for bathroom emergencies. Remember to hug someone that needs one, do at least one random act of kindness every day, and remember when you think nobody cares---I do. God bless you and God Bless America!
Newt Harlan
-30-
are you ok? where have you been?
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